:p

I have never cried this much because of Mardee since the last time we fought. Come to think of it, I don`t even remember what it was that we fought about but that has always been the case, our case. We fight over the silliest things and end up patching up because of our “friendship”. A friendship I`m not even sure of anymore, and I know that she feels the same way. After all, hurtful things have been said and done to and from both parties that it would really be unbelievable to think that this friendship, or whatever is left of it, would still work.

It`s been more than two years and here I am, still dwelling on the things I`m supposed to be shrugging away because it`s not supposed to be a big deal, but it has been.

You know what the thing is? We say we`re both okay with how things are “patching up” but we never really had a chance to talk about it. She`s never the person who wants to dwell on things as much as I do. And it hurts me sometimes that I could get this much affected when she, well sometimes she does too, deals with it on a different manner. I go on a crying spree, and pouring my emotions out on the most innocent people, because she made me feel bad, or something I did made her feel bad again. While she, on the other hand, would rather tell her friends stuff about me that are far worse than reality. Two years of that has made me feel immune to the emotional stress it has been causing me that I`m actually just trying to learn to live with it.

And I hate myself for being that. For being the dweller. For being the person who`s always on the losing side because I can never get over us fighting over one silly thing that has changed a course of my life I never wanted to have firsthand. Not that I`m not happy about how things are turning out these past years, but sometimes I get to ponder on what could`ve been if the last two years didn`t end up this way and has taken a different course just because we decided to be more rational and less emotional about a decision that has greatly affected both of us, and most especially our friendship. Which I truly miss, BTW. Before Regine has been my best friend, before I got to reconnect with my highschool best friends, before I patched things up with Kath, Mardee was my only best friend.

Whew. It`s hard having to remember that life was a lot easier before because of her. Because back then, I had someone to defend me from the people who talked behind my back and had intentionally hurt me. She didn`t expect me to fight for her, or do the same stuff for her because she understood that between the two of us, I am more emotional, and therefore I am much weaker. That I`m never the fighter. It`s sad that I had to become one when we had to end our friendship because I had to fight, against her. Because she was not there for me anymore, and because I had to learn defend my own self.

For two years, we went on with our lives, bitter, and I guess better, that we had to grow apart. But there are times when I still wish that she`d be there for me again in the same way that I want to be the one who`d be there for her when life fails her. There are times when I cry myself to sleep at night because I miss her. I miss our friendship. And in spite all of that, I`m still unsure. That sometimes, I still put my defenses up high when I talk to her. That sometimes, I`d rather not tell her anything that makes me feel sad because I don`t want her to be smug about it, especially when it comes to Vince. I`m a victim of paranoia for thinking that something I might do and say would be used against me again, like most of the time. And sometimes, I become scared that I`d be like that to her. That the hurt would overcome me, and I`d remember all the bad things we`ve said and done that would trigger the hate to resurface again. I don`t want to end up being a fake when I really want to be real, this time, again, with her.

I`ve read her blog entry about failing in life, and I didn`t know why I wasn`t able to suppress my tears when I read this part:

“That day, i found myself walking, walking, crying. Not minding the curious stares the people where giving me. I was alone and i wanted to be ( although that’s one of the things i’m afraid of). The pain was overwhelming, it was not just normal heartache, it was more. When i couldn’t take it anymore, i sat down and guess what? I found myself in front of our school’s chapel. ( yeah, weird) . It wasn’t my intention to stay there, but i did. i spent an hour or two, crying my heart out.No words were uttered, only tears were shed. Then i felt good, i felt lighter. But still alone. All i ever thought was, if i have friends, where were they? It was sad, and very very disappointing.”

The front area of our school chapel is the most memorable place I could think of when I remember her because that`s the place we spend our time when we decide that ditching class is healthy. We go there when we want to talk about how our days went, or if we`ve got problems we`d want to talk about. Sometimes, we go there even if we don`t have anything to talk about. I hate passing by that place because it feels as if the gravity pulls me more to the ground, and it makes me feel weaker, and much more hurt.

When I read that part, I wanted to tell her right away that, “I wish you thought about me when you were there. I wish you know how much I`m still hurting that I miss being that friend who was there for you when you needed someone. I wish you wished for me.” Hmm.:(

But no matter how I go on and on and on about how our friendship ended, how we`re patching things up, how we`re intermittently on a cat fight, how much I miss her, and how I`m riding this emotional roller coaster, it would still be useless. For as long as she doesn`t need me as much as I need her in my life, all of this would be meaningless. Because I want her to feel the same way too. Because I want to be needed too.:(

But then again, I have to remind myself that what I want to happen is a selfish thing to want. That I should never tie anyone to myself for my own happiness or contentment. That I should learn to live with what I have just right after I`ve done anything I could to save what`s left of our friendship. Because if she wanted to need me, in the same way that I need her, she would.

September 28, 2009

Gad. Has it really been two years already? Two years of not being friends? Two years of not having a genuine friendship conversation? Has it really been two years after she found out that her boy`f liked me? Has it really been that long since I made that wrong decision of tricking him into being in a relationship with me, because that was the only right thing I thought I could do to hurt him in return after he had hurt my best friend? Has it really been two years that I`m still wondering how our friendship eventually crumbled down into pieces because of that?

I knew that I`ve hurt her. But I didn`t anticipate the enormity of the pain I have caused her because she never told me, early on, that she knew all along about what was going on. She wanted to act like nothing mattered because I knew that she didn`t want me to feel bad that I`ve caused her pain, and that she didn`t want me to feel sorry for her.

It had to hurt that we started faking all the hanging out because it was both our desperate attempts to try to fix the damage that has been caused. I knew that deep down, she didn`t trust me anymore to even be considering me as her best friend, let alone be her friend.

And through it all, what hurts more is that, she was more willing to forgive Vince than to listen to what I`ve got to say. That it didn`t matter if we became friends or not. What mattered is that she chose to heal her heart first before she even analyzed that I was also trying to heal her heart, in my own little way, with what I  tried to do. At the time, the only right thing I thought was that I have to hurt him, to get back at him, to ruin his life, that I failed see and know how much that had affected her. 

I  don`t understand how or why her friends got to be involved in every single aspect of it. I understand that she had to vent out her emotions because I would`ve done the same thing but I would`ve understood more if what got to me were the truth. But to find out that I`ve been bad-mouthed, been rumored about, been back-stabbed for the wrong reasons, by the wrong people, was just too much for me too take. They all knew that I was not involved, in any way, with Vince anymore, and it hurts to remember that all the bad-mouthing, all the rumors, all the back-stabbing didn`t stop there but has gotten worse over time. And the wrong thing I`ve done is that I`ve kept my mouth shut. But all the humiliation was just too much that even the hurt was difficult to hide. Even the friendship was starting to be hard to fake.

I chose to to turn away from the friendship. Not accepting explanations, and as well as not giving them. I`ve opened myself to the option of pushing the friendship away like it wasn`t even there.

I was convinced that we`d become enemies for life. And so were the people around her, and me. As much as they were surprised about the friendship breakup, and desperately tried to squeeze me for the gory details, I get dumbfounded when they ask me to give them a concrete reason why. And maybe even if I could, it would just hurt to even think about it.

People eventually stopped. Then I stopped hearing about her. Or at least refused to hear anything about her. But I had the unfortunate moments where I`d have the same jeepney ride to school with her. Or be unlucky enough to meet her in the school lobbies. She looks at me, rolls her eyes, tell her friends how I`m  ”nakakasira ng araw”. [Don`t even ask how I found out about that.] They look at me like I`m some kind of a disease.

I was too afraid to confront her because I was alone. I didn`t have friends who would understand how much that had hurt me. I didn`t have friends who were more than willing to defend me from their stares and their judgments. I should`ve told somebody. Somebody who would have had the courage to stand up and defend me. But I didn`t have anyone. I only have myself to trust. I only have myself, period. And what hurts the most is that, being alone made me learn to hate and be honest about it. I hated hating her because the hurt only backfired at me. That no matter how much I hated her, there was no way that she felt the same hurt that I was feeling because since the day we ended our friendship, I knew she had shut me out altogether.

Those alone times made me think hard about what happened. It gave me a lot of time to think that I had my share of faults and mistakes, too. I had been too impulsive in trying to save her heart that I realized I caused her much more pain than I thought. And although I started hating her, it made me remember the times that I felt sorry that I had to hurt her.

Believe me, I had never wanted to hurt her because she was the only one I had left when I didn`t have anyone to turn to. She tried the best she could so she could prove to me that I didn`t need guys to come and ruin my life for me. She tried her best proving that I didn`t need bad influences as friends. She wanted me to be confident that she was enough to do not five or more other acquaintances couldn`t. She was partly the reason why I have been able to keep sane for all those times that my heart had to break for every terrible situation I was in. I owed her a lot, that`s why it had hurt me, and it still hurts me that I had, both unconsciously and consciously, ruin her life for her because of one guy we`ve both mistakingly loved so much.

It made me realize how much I missed her.

And to realize that makes me want to forgive her, and forgive myself. It makes me realize how much time we have wasted when we could`ve just talked sincerely with each other and be mature about it. We had let our emotions drag us into hating each other. [Although she doesn`t want to admit that.]

But although we started talking to each other again, I can honestly say that we`re not a hundred percent okay. I know that we`re both careful about what we say and do to each other. I know that we don`t trust each other anymore as much as we still doubt each others sincerity.

Now it took me a really long time to just say what I honestly thought because I don`t want her to know how much all of these have affected me. I don`t want her to think that she had hurt me more than she has thought she had and use that to play with my emotions. [Talk about paranoia.]

But heck, I don`t even have to sound like I`m always the victim here because whatever she did me wrong, I did her, too. And it makes me realize that I don`t have to be totally dramatic about it because I wasn`t the only one who got hurt. We`re even. And I am sorry. And I am sorry that I haven`t really said that I was because I had a lot of emotions I couldn`t handle myself, especially the hurt.  And when you`re hurt, it`s hard to sincerely apologize. But I`m counting on myself on that someday. 

I`m counting on that in that same way that I`m counting on conversations over cheap Dunkin` Donuts coffee, and McDonald`s value meals, and the Japanese restaurants we`ve been planning to eat at, and the movies we`ve yet to watch. And the sunsets. The sunsets that meant everything to me, and still does.

No matter if they happen or not, they wouldn`t have caused me pain, as much as it meant happiness for me, if it wasn`t for her.

I`m not afraid to say that we`ve had a love-hate relationship that seemed to concentrate on the hate part more that caused pain, but wouldn`t you feel that much pain if it wasn`t because you felt and feel so much love for that person? I never had a sister, but I know it`s the kind of relationship sisters have. And that`s what I`ve had with her, my soul sister.